When I was young and innocent, needles didn’t scare me. I didn’t know that they caused pain, and that human beings hate pain, that pain was bad and caused hurt. I just knew they pricked. That’s all.
Then I got older, and learnt a few things about pain. That is when injections- needles- became scary objects. I dreaded them. I would have preferred a thousand tablets to one injection. After all, normal people avoid pain. I was being normal.
Then I became an adult and experienced hard-core pain, that’s when I realized needles had nothing on me compared to the turmoil going on in my insides. I’d stare into the doctor’s eyes while they injected me. Actually, I preferred injections now, I’d take one after the other with a smirk on my face that reflected the feelings in my heart. I was slowly growing numb to pain.
With the same innocence, when I was young I didn’t know that humans could cause pain. I knew they made mistakes but surely not intentionally! Everyone was good, perfect even, (in God’s image) Isn’t that what the bible Sunday school teaches? Then I made the mistake of growing up. Someone should have told me not to grow up, that it was a trick and that grown-ups wished they hadn’t grown up.
I started seeing humans in black and white, not just the white that I was used to. This came as a big shock. Apparently many of the humans had more dark than white traits. How had I not noticed this before? Had I been ignorant or just naïve? I couldn’t tell. But I knew that I didn’t like what I was seeing- I wanted to ‘unsee’ everything and go back to my innocence.
A friend would say they will help you and go MIA when you need them, a lover would say they love you and not mean it. A mother would say they’ll never leave, then go away from you. A father would promise one thing, the fail to deliver. Why give vague promises, say anything at all?
What’s the need? Don’t tell me you’ll help me, don’t say you love me, don’t say you won’t leave me; because I will believe you, then you’ll disappoint me and I will experience hard-core pain. The kind that makes it difficult to breathe, the kind that makes tears flow freely without even a whimper. The kind that tears you apart. The kind of pain that makes you grow numb to needles….
So I learnt to expect everything from humans, that way it’ll be a good surprise when they act humanely and not a shock if they decided to act otherwise. This helps me to stay sober because unlike needles which can be avoided, humans can’t. Apparently they’re everywhere…
Article written by Sharon K.M